A Training for Thoughts
by Princess Iria
Summary: hints of mm slash Miklotov ponders over his feelings for his best friend and the war that is going on. Contains spoilers.


(A/N: Completely different from my old and trashed copy of "Blue" except for the first few paragraphs which have been modified. Warning: he is out of character.  Also, there are SPOILERS and SHONEN-AI or MALE SLASH references in this fic, so if you don't like it, GO AWAY!  Some details may be wrong and others I made up, so if you find any conflicts with the real story, please tell me.  I don't own Suikoden II because Konami does and if you haven't played the game, do it.

The hero is Riou, by the way.  The castle and army are both North Window.)

A Training for Thoughts

I swing my sword, sweat dripping down my face as the sun rises for a new day at North Window Castle.  The strokes are heavy and slower than usual, but then I am not concentrating on my moves like I should.  Today's training is more to clear my thoughts then to hone my skills.  Lord Riou, our young but powerful commander of the army, wishes us to prepare for the final confrontation with Highland.  With him clouding my thoughts, I am in no state to fight the hardest battle in my life.

Let me make this clear.  He is the red that compliments my blue; he is the calm one when I am brash, he is the one who can smooth talk through any situation when I can only speak in plain sentences, he has skills in magic where I have almost none.  People might have said then that we were meant to be.

But then I am a male, and his best friend.  I am Miklotov, former Blue Knight of Matilda and now a soldier in the North Window Army.  And because of that, we cannot be together.  Besides, he would never look my way.  He is one of the best looking bachelors in the world, his reddish brown hair perfect, his smiles charming, and his gestures graceful.  He could have any lady he wished for.  The chances of him pining for me would be close to zero.

You might say, when did you think this much about anything?  Yes, I may be notorious for my rash behavior, my spur of the moment decisions, but this has plagued me for a long time.  He has been a part of my life ever since the day many years ago when I first met him.  We became the best of friends as we ran our laps, did our push-ups, and picked up our first swords.  We would train together, eat together, share secrets with each other, go out together, and even become knights together.  Everything we accomplished was the same, but we just did it in different ways.

He always seems to be the optimist in every situation, when I was nervous of becoming a knight, when we entered our first battle as real knights, when I doubted my skills after seeing innocent people die in front of me.  He always picked the right words when I hurt the worst.  He always seemed cool even though he carried a rage rune, which I always envied.  He was always passionate when he fought for his country, however, and once when he stood up for his friend.

Let me explain to you what happened, actually, it would be better if I started from the beginning of the troubles.  After many years of war, the Jowston States, which the knights' domain was a part of, and the kingdom of Highland finally signed a peace treaty.  However, it was that evening when the Highland soldiers attacked their own camp, blaming it on the State army and sparking war hunger among its people once again.  This time the troops were led under Prince Luca Blight.  I don't really understand his motives, but how can I understand a man who went mad and wanted to cleanse the world with his beast rune?

In response, Mayor Anabelle of Muse called all the states to a conference atop Jowston Hill.  Lord Gorudo chose my friend and I to represent to join him and represent Matilda at the conference.  We hurriedly rushed inside when Lord Gorudo hastily bumped into a girl.  She was Nanami, Lord Riou's sister, but I did not know that then or I would have been more courteous.  Nanami became angry and called Lord Gorudo a "creep", but he was already gone.  My friend and I had followed our Lord hastily, but my friend stopped and apologized to her.  She blushed and stuttered in response, which made me a bit jealous.  Here my friend was charming yet another lady.  I quickly reminded him that as knights we must also be on time, and I didn't want to face Lord Gorudo's wrath by being late.

The actual conference did not go well.  The leaders of the different states bickered, and many did not wish to help Muse fight against Highland even though they heard that Ryube and Toto Village had been burned down by those troops.  Lord Gorudo quickly sent my knights to Muse to help the mercenaries.  But after a encounters, my friend arrived with a message from Lord Gorudo, ordering a withdrawal of the knights from the battle.  I guess I can only describe my feelings as shock and anger at the time.  I was attacking my friend for an order he did not issue, and instead of adding to the heated emotions, he simply reminded me of the knight's oath I took before becoming a knight.  If I were him, I would have taken offense and fought back.  Reluctantly I commanded my squads to retreat, and I rode back to Rockaxe feeling humiliated.  He calmed me down once we reached home, as usual, and made me feel better about the situation even though it still angered me.

News of Anabelle's assassination quickly spread throughout the States as many people fled Muse.  But it was the issue of the remaining people of Muse that caused my resignation of Captain of the Blue Knights.

Some people admire me for my faith in the values that I was taught as a child, but others rather have a knight loyal to his commander.  I think my friend was more of the ideal knight in that sense; he seemed to fit both descriptions when I was too slow or stubborn to see the other side of things.  My friend always said that he admired that characteristic of mine even in his perfect balanced state, but I think it brought me more trouble in the long run.  And right then, I could not see the honor in Lord Gorudo's decision in refusing to fight for the State.

First though, as war waged on, a new force called the North Window Army emerged, led by the young man Lord Riou and his strategist Shu.  They had bonded forces with the men of South Window, Viktor's mercenaries, and had the support of Mayor Teresa of Greenhill.  They seemed to be a promising force to some people, but others including Lord Gorudo dismissed them as a measly force that had been lucky a few times.  When Lord Riou and 5 representatives of the North Window Army, including his sister Nanami, arrived, they were refused an alliance.  I was not present at the time, but my friend was, and he told me the details that night.  He made a comment about Nanami and how it was dangerous for a lady such as her to be on such a mission like this.  I was a bit jealous for his concern of this girl he had only seen once before, but she had an energy and an innocence which very few still possessed.

The next morning, the knights were in a rush upon hearing that the Highland soldiers have appeared at the border.  The refugees from Muse were trying to escape the rule of the Highland Army.  I told Lord Gorudo this and passionately urged him to save these helpless people.  He agreed to mobilize our forces at the border, but we did nothing.  Lord Riou accompanied us, but did not have many people with him, so he could not do much.  We watched as the Highland forces, under Luca Blight, captured many of the refugees, forcing them to come back or killing them.  As I watched, I appealed to my lord frantically.  He dismissed my arguments, saying that they were not in our territory; therefore, they were not our concern.  Instead we should allow no one to pass through our border.  As soon as I uttered thoughts of disobeying his order, he silenced me by reminding me of my oath.  He believed that Luca Blight was afraid to invade our territory.  But I believed otherwise.

I was going to go into Muse and see for myself what Luca Blight was up to.  It seemed very suspicious the way that the Highlanders were acting right now.  My friend tried to calm me down and persuade me not to go, but I could not be changed.  I realized now that it was a rash move and I did not think of the dangers, but I cannot change that now.  He relented as he caught a glimpse of my determination.  As I was right outside the border, I remembered that Lord Gorudo would be looking for me.  I was stuck in a predicament.  I had to go through the border, but I wouldn't be able to because the guards would recognize me instantly alone.

Fortunately Lord Riou was also headed to Muse and I asked him if I could accompany him.  He agreed.  We were almost through when one of the guards recognized me.  Luckily my friend told the knights on the border to let me pass.  I silently thanked them before continuing to Muse with Lord Riou.  I think my friend also sent Lord Riou to accompany me to Muse, thinking for my safety.  He has saved me too many times from my rash decisions, and I can truly say that he is my guardian angel because he is.

Anyway, as we came close to Muse, we saw a magical form of a beast appear in the sky.  When we entered Muse, we found no signs of life.  We saw a guy who came down from Jowston Hill and collapsed right in front of us, but a group of Highland soldiers spotted us.  They ran after we bested them in battle, and I talked to the collapsed man.  He said that a silver monster ate everyone, but collapsed after that.  We left in a hurry, seeing the soldiers behind us.  There was no more time to investigate, but I was sure that the man had not lied.

Returning to Rockaxe, Nanami was relieved and tired.  It didn't seem like she enjoyed war and wished it would end soon.  I was sure I would be able to convince Lord Gorudo that we must fight against Highland.  But it would not be the case.

I first encountered my friend, who immediately smiled upon seeing my face.  He immediately sensed my urgency as I asked for Lord Gorudo.  I did not calm myself before facing Lord Gorudo as he suggested.  I was too angry to stop as I immediately appealed to my lord to allow me to invade Muse.  He immediately countered that Highland did not intend to fight us, so why should we start a war?  I briefly described what I saw at Muse, but he did not care.  My emotions grew even more heated as he replied that we must think of ourselves first.  He did not truly believe that the Highlanders had massacred those refugees and questioned my loyalty to him.  My heart was telling me that I could not be this kind of knight any more.  It was against my true knight honor, and I would rather be that knight then one of his.  He told me to leave, but I could not leave at that.

I had to rub it in.  My voice rose as I spoke not just to Lord Gorudo, but to the other knights in the room as well and Lord Riou.  I declared that I was a human and then a knight and that I would not stand here while others were dying.  I didn't need his title if it was going to be like this.  After all this yelling, I threw my badge to the floor with much force, the clang echoing throughout the hall.  Right then my friend walks in.  He tells Lord Gorudo that I was just upset, trying to calm him, but it was past repair.  Lord Gorudo ordered him to arrest me.  That was when my friend stood up for me.

He refused to arrest me.  Within a second his emblem was lying on the ground next to mine.  Turning to Lord Riou, he asks if we can join the North Window Army.  Meanwhile, Lord Gorudo tries to ask the other knights to arrest us, but to my surprise, they all throw their emblems to the ground and ask to accompany us.  I've never felt so honored in my life, to have someone give up his title to fight with me.  We have to leave, though, because Lord Gorudo is about to gather others to round us up.  My friend stayed behind to convince more to come with us.  With a quick warning, I leave with Lord Riou.  We run towards the Greenhill border when one of us spots knights coming after us.

Nanami became worried, but quickly hid it as she prepared for a battle.  I was too, but wasn't going to give up.  Then Lord Shu comes by with his men and Nanami immediately is relieved.  Though we didn't look at our pursuers long enough.  My friend, with his skills at persuasion, recruits about half of the knight forces to join the North Window Army.  We quickly introduce ourselves to the strategist and hurry to the castle.  That night I couldn't sleep.

I thought about everything that had happened.  It was hard to believe how much had happened today.  Was this really true?  Had I really given up years of work with one action?  I did not regret the decision.  I hoped my friend didn't either, but I could not tell.

That's the end of that story.  Of course it wasn't that day when I realized how I felt for him.  I fell for him months before, if not earlier.  But here at this castle I began suddenly to feel strange things.  I knew that I preferred men when I went through puberty, but I never had such a longing to be with someone romantically.  Maybe it was the openness of the leader and the people here.  There were many strange people that stayed here, like the winger named Sid that scared many of the people, Millie with her weird pet, and Tetsu, a bath maker.  Lord Riou seemed to attract the least likely people to fight to join the cause, if not fighting, helping with things at the castle.  It was the opposite of the strict codes at Matilda, and I actually began to enjoy this.  I enjoyed training in the dojo the most and even just watching the others train, with their courage and determination of their faces.

Our friendship was still important to him even as he bonded with Nanami.  He seemed to spare a few moments to talk with me each day, which pleased me, knowing that he was making new friends and acquaintances each day.

I didn't make so many, though.  I wasn't much into alcohol, so I wasn't by the tavern.  I didn't read at the library, watch shows at the stage, or eat at the restaurant.  The only place I liked to be was in the dojo.  The training would make me feel better and more refreshed.  My friend would go to places with Nanami once in a while but still trained each day.  When our schedules would overlap, we would enjoy a spar in the dojo followed by a soak in the bath, a ride out of the castle, or just a conversation in one of our rooms.

I especially enjoyed sparring with him.  As we battled, his hair would stick to his forehead as sweat beads formed on his face.  His muscular arms would lock into form as he drove his sword against mine.  Time and time again they would collide, and I would find myself staring into his eyes as our swords met, his eyes lighted with the passion of battle.

It would be over too soon.  Either he or I would disarm the other, the practice sword flying in the air.  After a moment, the loser would bow his head to the other and we would both head to our rooms and then to the baths.  It was there where I started to feel attraction towards him.  Seeing his bare muscular chest triggered thoughts on how it would feel beneath my fingers, and that groove right under his neck was begging for my touch.  And I started become self-conscious.  I wondered if I had such a well-defined chest like his.  I would look at myself in the mirror and make sure my hair was not sticking up or my clothes wrinkled.  I wanted to look my best for him.

He did notice the change, but he thought I was trying to impress some woman.  I must confess, there are quite a few beautiful women in this castle like Rina and Valeria, and even handsome men like Shu and Flik, but none of them could make me feel this way.  Some people actually commented that I seemed to look better now, which made me feel better.  But the one person I was trying to message did not receive the real message that I tried to convey.

Meanwhile the North Window Army had many successes.  First of all, they were able to defeat Luca Blight.  I am able to say that I participated in that battle as part of Viktor's Unit.  I knew I was not the best so I would not likely be in Lord Riou's Unit, but I was excited to hear that my friend would also be in Viktor's Unit.  I was satisfied with the amount of damaging blows I was able to deliver, even though it was taxing of the mind and the body to face him.

I believe that he is the most powerful person I will ever have to face in my lifetime with his amazing attack, defense, and magic.  I realized that if Lord Gorudo had allowed me to take my squad of knights to battle him that we would have been massacred, but that still did not bring rightness to his actions.  Luca Blight could be defeated, and must be, in order to ensure peace and save innocent people's lives in this world.  After the defeat of Luca Blight, though, the war did not end.

The two countries had existed for too long.  It would either be the State or Highland in the end.  Even though Lord Riou was a native of Highland, he did not abandon his army.  It was unfortunate, though, that he had to battle against his best friend Jowy, now king of Highland.  Both held hope for their country, both were fighting for their country's cause.  It may have been fate that put a turn in their destinies, but I must say that it must have been the worst feeling in the world.

His situation made us all think over our friendships.  I would have never been as strong as Lord Riou, if my friend and I were in that situation.  I would have fallen, given up to my friend, and betrayed everyone.  I would have rather died then be an enemy of his.  I don't know what my friend feels, but it would probably be the same as me.

Nanami did not take this continued war too well.  My friend would be her pillar, and sometimes she would come to his room and release her emotions there.  It hurt to see the two most important people to her fighting.  Despite this, she always was by her brother's side.  Even to her death.

While our army recaptured Greenhill, Highland attacked Matilda.  Lord Gorudo immediately surrendered his forces.  As enemies of the Highland forces, we invaded Matilda.  After mixing a few of our knights with the Matildan forces, Lord Riou and a small group entered the castle secretly.  They made it to the top floor where the flag was located when they met with King Jowy Blight.

I do not know these details well since I was not there, but it is said that while they were conversing, Lord Gorudo and some archers appeared behind them.  Lord Gorudo ordered the soldiers to shoot at Lord Riou, but Nanami quickly acted and successfully blocked three of the arrows.  The fourth one lodged fatally in her chest, and in anger, the two leaders from opposing sides immediately fought against Lord Gorudo.  He was killed, and Jowy ran off, pulling his forces out of Highland while we rushed to see the commander.  Shu called for one soldier to burn the flag while directing the other quickly to retrieve Dr. Huan as Lord Riou cradled his ashen sister.

We waited outside the door of the infirmary, waiting for news on her condition.  Finally, when Dr. Huan appeared, his grave countenance gave away the answer.  It was a sad day of mourning for the whole castle.  An extremely exhausted Lord Riou headed to his room, where he did not sleep well nor eat well.  My friend also did not feel so well; her death brought the painful realities of war to the front of our minds.  It was at this time that Shu suggested that we invade Highland to end this war.

Lord Riou is hesitant right now, still grieving deeply over Nanami's death.  However, he did not give up, which I have deeply admired.  He has ordered us to train for the concluding battle of the war.  He does not to be risky and lose this opportunity, so here I am, still practicing my strokes.

I have done a great deal of practicing for today.  Tomorrow will be another day, which I will not worry about right now.  I have made an important step during today's practice.  I have decided that I will wait until the war is over before I will tell him the words that I hope to be reciprocated.

I love you, Camus.

 (A/N: Like it?  Hate it?  Review, please!  I could never explain how much it means to me.  Just don't complain if some things happen in this fic and don't happen in the story.  I probably made them up.)


End file.
